Read it or Leave it

Mom, it's always been about you.

2010-03-28T08:49:00.001+07:00

Things I love about my Mom;

1. She doesn’t spend millions of money just to buy branded bags, but the world knows that she’s more beautiful than yours.

2. She didn’t call over my dad just to ask “You can buy me this, can’t you?”, but to ask “I think I’m buying this, does it fit my face? Does the price worth the money?”

3. The way she woke up in the morning before my dad stopped snoring.

4. The way she sat in the living room all night right after my dad got home afterwork just to listen to him.

5. The way she called me from work.

6. The way she went to sleep right after my dad asked her to.

7. She doesn’t use her credit card to go to the SPA, but God knows she has the most beautiful skin of all.

8. She doesn’t go to the salon once a week, but I know she has the most beautiful heart all over the world.

9. The way she doesn’t came up to me by“What the hell did you do???!” but by asking “Why did you do that?”

10. The way she took care of her job and dad and me at the same time.

11. The way she TAKES care of LOTS OF houseworks while I’m at school.

12. The way she lets me go at the gate of my house before school.

13. The way she opens the door right after I arrive home.

14. The way she loves to read my writings, though I know most of them bores me even more.

People in Love, People in P(v)ain.

2009-09-04T19:17:00.002+07:00

I don’t really mean nor understand.

But we people sometimes waste our times in vain, don’t we?

It’s like A date B. A is a girl anyway.
Isn’t A lucky for having a boyfriend? Having one who could listen to all of her ramblings, being such a tearsbin, and such a good goodmorning-waker.
But A keeps on saying, “I want a handsome boyfriend. A perfect one, then barter him with B.”
Pathetic, isn’t it? Well, A isn’t lucky enough for not being such a humble one.

We, women should feel grateful for being loved. It is wonderful to have someone to share, to fill each other either break our own days with our sweet fights.
But some of us just….. don’t understand.

“Being loved means trying to understand, being grateful in every situation. No matter how bugs bug you in every inch of your wall. No matter how tears break you down into pieces. We only need to understand. But sometimes some of us can’t screen between bad things and understanding phase.”

You can’t keep on understanding either. You SHOULD know the differences between jerks job and involuntaliry mistakes.

We, women can’t always keep on being patient. Patience is such a myth.

I DID keep on waiting, and it’s just such a vain. I wasted most of my time checking on my phone, being online just to see if he was there, and then go back off again. We rarely talked. And it’s been forever since I talked to him.
I’ve been losing my mind and my time for almost 2 years, and it makes no thing. Really I have no end.

I’m not looking for another end this time, I’m making it clear. I should stop being stupid in love.
It’s been such a 'love'. It’s just… something I can’t really explain.

And the main thing is I’m not ready yet for another one. Feels like I have no more love to give. It’s all empty. I mean it, I really mean it.

I used to be broken, but not anymore. I know I should stop blaming myself and now I can’t feel anything.

I’m just trying hard to get the thing I want, and pray to God for showing me what’s best.

I used to hold my phone, scrolling my contact list and stopped at your name. Then decided to text you as well, telling what I’ve been through that day even telling you how much future scared me till college’s coming up.

And now, it’s now all such a shame. I shouldn’t have lost my priority that high. I should’ve tried harder to face it than telling you uselessly.

I’m now telling the world.
I now have my own head up in the air, holding my own heart hard in its space and locking my own mouth from all of its secrets.

At least, I’m trying hard not to fall, for once.

2009-08-20T22:23:00.003+07:00

So now here we are...
Things seem like coming down to the ground.
I can't feel anything.

Even when the shuffle is turned on, I could only sing your songs.
Everytime I move my face to those books, your letter is the only thing I could read.

How can I say I'm fine when the only thing I feel is misery?

I now could only wish one thing.
We, as we used to be and as we are, be as best as God planned to.

Because the best I've ever wished for isn't the best you wanted to be, is it?

I need to put you aside, just like for months from now. And get back to my work.

Anyway......
Future's coming!
College and stuff. Yee haa.

And the most important thing is Ramadhan's absolutely coming up in like 2 days!!

COOL.

All I want to say is minal aidin wal faidzin, people.
Hope my fastings will be afdhol :):)

Cheers,
Fika.

What should I call it then?

2009-08-16T18:16:00.000+07:00

Love is what makes you smile even when you cry, what makes you even more missing those fights with laugh.

One what makes you forget all the songs making you cry, stories making you dream because you've already had one.

One what makes you fly higher even when you're dumped straight to the ground, and what makes you feel safe even when you're insecure...

Awakening

2009-08-14T19:41:00.003+07:00

When I realize that life isn't always about love, or whatever you call it ('it' could be me, and you) I see that there are lies. Lies are in your eyes.
And I finally realize that some things were meant to be unsaid, for better of worse, for God's sake, I had been losing myself over and over again.
And now, I got it. I completely awoken.

Me and the day

2009-08-08T23:18:00.000+07:00

You know how the day changes.
In the morning, I could've still waited for you, yet in the night I completely forget your name.

God knows, dumping the one who loves you the most is the most blue thing.
I know how it hurted him listening to me saying your name million times.
How it hurted him waiting for me in time I'm waiting for you to call.
How it hurted him seing me cry in the name of you...

Time can't be rewinded. Mistakes can't be hidden.

I've just realized that I shouldn't have fought for the wrong one, I shouldn't have lost myself for the wrong heart.

"If I love you, I know I should let you go for good."

And now,

I have completely moved on.

Plan

2009-07-23T21:28:00.000+07:00

Do you know what? I'm tired.

I'm exhausted for being blamed and rained with disappointment showed in front of my face.

Just forget about it.
I have something to write.
A really really unimportant things.

So, read it or leave it.

Lets start. These are some points I want to do to my child(or children) when I have ones one time.

1. I won't spoil them, but then blame them for being spoiled.
2. I'll use no harsh action.
3. I choose to make them better cry hard than seeing their hatred showed in their eyes for me without having any other plans to change.
4. I use no much word. I take strict actions.
5. I'll let them choose everything they want, as long as I could give them the facilities.
6. I'll lead them to the straight way.
7. I'll make them see this beautiful way of living with their own eyes, not by telling them the way I see.
8. I'll tell them not to be better, but to be the best of them.
9. Harsh and cruel, I'll tell them that those are the things they will face in the open world.
10. I'll make them tell everything they've been through in their days. Each of them.
11. I'll make them love me, not only need me.
12. I'll be the best role model they've ever had, the best they could tell their friends in fact they have no other one.
13. I'll tell them not to fall in love easily. Or in fact they have, I'll tell them to get up and not to fight for the wrong ones.
14. I'll teach them to love each other.
15. I want them not to be me. But to be the best they could be, in fact I've lost so many 'good' things in my world.

Idk what I wrote anyway :p

Looser comes down

2009-07-18T12:42:00.000+07:00

I’ve just figured out something.

A looser is the one who stole anyoneelse’s beloved one, in time she/he knew about it.
And the one who plays with words ‘love’.

The one who backstabs.
Especially the one who’s such a basher.

The one who doesn’t respect the elder, of course.

The one who can’t see the reality with two eyes, in fact she/he doesn’t even know what she/he has mistaken.

Knock knock Pt. I

2009-07-15T19:58:00.003+07:00

Knock knock, somebody’s out there.
Then I go outside, seeing who’s coming.

Nah. He’s here. He’s already here.
Knocking on my front door.

I let him come in.

“What do you want?” I asked.

…No response.

“Umm, sorry Mr. I asked you, what you wanted for coming here.”

“Sigh... Sir, can I know what’s your purpose in coming to my house? To sit in my sofa?”

It’s been 20 minutes of wasting. Still there’s no response.
Then I let him go seeing my house.

Such a big space of floor, wide wall with only one photo there. The piano’s in the front of the dining room’s border.
He’s still going around my house. Go upstairs then down.

I can only take a look at his perfect posture. Mid-muscled body with soldiercut hair.
Watching his perfect movement from a second to another.
Sneak glancing at his one-line smile while paying attention at the photo in the wall.

I sit here, still on my livingroom sofa.
Keep on thinking… Would you be mine?

And then some words came flowing from his lips.
“Is it you, the little girl who only wear t-shirt with underpants and wearing that biggy heels?”

Cheekblushing.
“Nah.. Well yeah.”

Then he smiled again, messing my hair.

Then I go downstairs, meet my mom.

She asked, “Is it him who’s upstairs?”
I answered, “Yes, mom. Please…”

And then such an insulting war started.

I came upstairs crying.
“It’s okay. I’m going home.”
I cried and cried. And he was just still standing there, pulling his hand from his pants pocket and stroke my hair.
“I’m going home.”

I gave no response.
“Don’t cry too much. I’m sick of it. No use in fighting just because of me.”

“….” I said nothing.

“I’m leaving. Hand this.”
He gave me his handkerchief, and then left.

Minutes by others went by. I was still sitting in the floor keep on being silent.
Then my phone rang. There’s a new message on it.

“Don’t you know that I’m the one who’s hurted the most in seeing you cry? I miss you already.”

Then I was still wondering, when would you be mine?

Quotes

2009-07-03T09:54:00.003+07:00

I've found these some amazing words for me. I'd like to show you all too :)

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." Albert Einstein

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." Mother Teresa

"I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved." George Eliot

"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." David Grayson

"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." Zora Neale Hurston

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." John F. Kennedy

They're maybe only some quotes, but they do affect my day --- today.

OH ya, and this one is the most important.
"The purpose of life is a life of purpose." Robert Bryne

Goodbyes

2009-07-01T22:06:00.000+07:00

Well, goodbyes are becoming more common these days aren't they?

I've just been thinking about the 'lowest point'. Or if you're learning about Differential(calculus) and been trying to understand about the Curve, those curves have the maximum and minimum point, don’t they? Ah screw this part.

And the lowest point I mean here is the point where us, people, could be changing 180 degrees way from we used to be. Lemme talk in Bahasa now, the lowest point I’m talking about is Titik Jenuh.
I’ve never been fed up by someone/something tho. Well I mean I’ve never felt for being through this point.

When you’re being on this point, you can be as bad as your ass. You won’t even care about the ones who made you fed up. You won’t even give a damn for any of their sorrows.

Scary, isn’t it?
Well, now I’m not talking about myself. But about the things that had just happened lately around me.

Break-ups.
Common things, eh?

I’ve tried about thousand times with those broken couples to be back one again. But this thing happened frequently,
“I love her, but what should I do? She gives me no choice, no chance.”
“I’m enough of him, enough with those damn apologies. He hasn’t changed at all……..”

And bla, bla, bla.

And I keep on thinking, what the heck happened with people? Is it hard enough for y’all giving only one more chance? If they screw it, then screw them back. Easy, isn’t it?
When you really love someone, won’t you do anything to have them back? Just give the ones you love a chance. A chance, dude. Only one more chance. And see what they’re gonna do with it.

But now, I’ve found that forgiving isn’t as easy as doing revenge. (I didn’t mean to be cruel or something, but revenge is really easy if you have enough hatred. Screw it, forgiveness is way much better than revenge. But it’s much harder thou. )

Why would I say that?

Divorce.
Okay, this one ‘good’ thing is such a really ordinary thing. You could see everywhere on your tvs, those celebrities have their own divorces with in way. To marry the 4th becoming wife, cheating with your ex’s bestfriend, or even having affair with your co-actors.

I’m not a paparazzi anyway.

But this kind of damn thing happened lately in one of my sub-family. I mean between someones in my family. (Not in my own family, anyway. I haven’t been married yet. Or if it’s my mommy, who’s gonna screw her? My daddy’s now resting in peace in God’s side ♥)

Both side always has their own priority. This one says that he’s like this, and this one says she’s like this. Yeah, daily things in a broken-hearted life. You know what it feels like, right? It hurts.
It hurts seeing the children can’t even show their feelings. It hurts seeing they can’t even pick which one’s good or bad. Okay, they can’t choose. They can’t feel anything.
They can’t even cry. And it hurts worse when you’re sad but no tears are even coming out from your eyelids.
I’m not blaming those divorced parents, no.

Back to the topic, lowest point.

I’ve never been in this condition, really.
Because when I’m feeling fed up with someone, and then hours later, we’ll be back normal again. I can’t keep on being cruel like don’t even care whether they’re dead.

But I do know how it feels like to be disappointed for thousand times, to be hurted and messed up with no sorrow given. How it feels like to be backstab, how to be loved in front and betrayed in back.

We, us, people, ever have been on a condition when you’re about to lose your control. Feels like you can even drink gallons of Martini and smoke lots of Dunhill. When you feel like could Khatam your Quran in one night, or tell the Priest all of your sin you’ve done.

Because in one side, you don’t know what to do. And what to feel.

All you want is relieving yourself.

And people have their own way for their relief maker.

Some just leave those pain, some try to break theirselves, some try to pull the trigger as a start of a revenge, and some even try to face a mirror.

You could do everything in your lowest point. In your lowest place of your bottle.

We, us, people, do regret. But then we do the same mistakes over and over again. And you can do nothing when the ones we hurt, face us everyday in their lowest mood.Where they won’t even see us as human beings. Tend like our tears are dust, and our sorrows are those recycleable plastic.

So, those break-ups and divorces aren’t that bad if the ones who’re wong try to face the mirror like the last way I wrote.

Sometimes goodbye isn’t bad for us. As well we might treat them as a lesson. Not a memory to bury, or even a helper to bury yourself.

Ah ya, for divorces. Trust me, no one likes divorce.
But parents, should understand. That the ones who’ll hurted the most are the children. Some of them might not show you the pain they have on their eyes. But the scar will stay forever on their mind.

I'm The Wave

2009-06-26T12:12:00.000+07:00

Then came a time when you don't even know yourself.

When you need your own role models.

And even, neither your mom nor your dad could be any.

Someone could be as disappointing as a wave sometimes.
You're built as hard by the wind, keeping your strength on, facing the ocean, but then you're damaged by the shore.

You think you could be the best. As you could make people happy by letting them surfing on your back, diving on your arm, and swimming by your head.

You never thought that you're not that good, someday. You could be breaking your own dream.

It's not your real world yet, lil kid. You're just only living by the shore.

Who could be your role model then?

While your dad's gone. And your mother even has no mirror to give you.

When people talk like they're on their circle's top. There's no top in circle, I guess.
You'd just keep on arounding.

When people get suddenly breaking their loved ones. Giving no more chance.

God gives us chances. Chances.

I could be as bad as a snake. You keep giving me food in case I'll never get stuffed.

She said I can't be trusted. You trust no one, did you trust me either? Idc.

We're living on the same chagrin. Even you don't know when I'm hurted inside, but you say that I keep on being stupid.

I'm sorry, I'm not an open-mined person.

I can't really show my feeling, so I keep on being quite. Even sorry won't make me be sorried.

I can't right the wrong I made. But still, I Could make it better.

You go face yourself.

Have I been the best? Since you keep on telling people to be better. Have you been the best for yourself either?

We, the kids, need role models.

How could the elders be ours when they keep on being silent?
Adults choose to keep quite than searching for the way outs.

We're living on the same chagrin, for sure.
I'm dissapointing, for my own life, I am.

I keep on making my mother cries. Making she thinks that I'm useless, can't be trusted, and not even letting the best of me out.

Keep on making her thinks that I failed. I've never given her the best of me. Making her believes that I'm spoiled, she did wrong in growing me up, and I've asked her too much.

I am. I am, mom. I'm everything you told me.
I'm everything that disappoints you.
I'm everything that wastes your time.

Being left isn't a good thing right? I'm sorry I can't be as tough as you.
You keep on being better, since I don't.

I'm 16, and for God's sake please don't compare me with the others.
I can't be like the always-been-the-1st-rank girl.

Why?

Because I wasn't prepared for that.

I'm preparing myself for being I am. Dad grew me up well to be me.

I'm not a snob or something. I try to scream out my thoughts while I can't.

I don't talk much to people to share my minds.
Once again, I'm sorry. I'm not an open-minded person.

I listen much. And I'm wasting my time for that.
Don't ask me why. It's all because I could feel like having my another life for listening people.

And my time's wasted. Yes you're right mom.
I waste my time for such a life-wasting things.

I got no more words to give you, my most beloved woman.
I can't say any sorry while you even don't want to see my face.

I love you, mom.
I'm sorry for the 16 years of wasting.
I'm sorry for all the tears you shed.
I'm sorry for being such a mess.

I'm sorry for breaking your heart.

I love you.

Instinct

2009-06-19T17:25:00.001+07:00

"If I'm no more than a stranger to you, how come you ever want to stay by my side 'till now?" Austin whispered, encloser his mouth to Romy's ear.

"Instinct." Romy answered

"Then it should lead you to good things."

-Titanium, by Sitta Karina.
273rd page. 2009.

Overwhelmed

2009-06-15T22:10:00.005+07:00

Okay let's start the holiday, today!
Well, it hasn't come yet anyway :p

Mm so I spend my day just to watch dvd, dvd man, not dvdS.
I watched Saving Private Ryan, and it was awesome! I was kinda frustrated watching it, seeing bodies with no hand thingy.

I stayed at home coz I'm fasting today, waw cool. I'm paying anyway, there's one day left :D

And now I'm sitting in front of my computer doing nothing. I do the Gossiping thingy with Tika, but then she went off. Now I'm chatting with Araditya and Cipo!

Ah ya... I'm now writing more sentences like what i always do :D

I'm now feeling lucky. Like lucky for being the only child.
So my mom doesn't have to worry about the way we eat the next days, the way we'll live without my daddy.
I'm feeling lucky for being able to read people, so I could screen the bads and the goods.
I'm feeling lucky for being left by all of the bastards, the liars, and the disloyal ones.
I'm feeling lucky for being showed by God the way to live. To make my list for my prayer, and the way to choose a lover.
I'm feeling lucky for having such a terrific mother, you won't be able to feel like I feel for being her daughter.
I'm feeling lucky for getting used to the things I hate.
I'm feeling lucky for being able to get everything I want, because my daddy told me so.
I'm feeling lucky to love the old you, not the new you. Because the man I used to love so much isn't who you are, but who you were when you were with me.
I'm feeling lucky for being the luckiest girl in the world, with reasons.
Maybe I'm not a rich daughter, I'm not the most beautiful girl in this world, and I'm not the best person you'll ever find.
But I've been here living my life for 16 years, and I know how to live.
I know how I suppose to love the Almighty God, to love my lover and to love my family.
And for all of this, much thank for my mother. The one who always stands here beside me through the suns and rains, either love or hatred I had.

I'm not you, or anyone else. I'm here, rule my own world. Having my own piece of mind just to make sure I'm alright. I'm walking on the line. And see how my dreams do come true.

The Truth Heals

2009-06-12T22:38:00.002+07:00

Really? Ya.
Don't ask why would I say that.

God's the fairest, I know. I should've followed the fate, not to keep this feeling on its track.
Because now everything's going further and further more from the line.

You've ever trusted people this much, but then they blow your faith away?
In case you know all the lies they told you. And then you're feeling hurted?

Sometimes, patience isn't needed for facing liars. Because the more chances they have, the more power they have to break you.

And did you ever felt that sometimes lovers only make you fall further from your family? You give all of your time for their bullshits, unimportant dates, and even gave you ideas in lying your mother.

I'm feeling like I've been acting way too far from my mother, I only wait for him to share. To tell everything I've done in days. And even cried everytime he hasn't showed up in the late nights. I've been the real ass.

A: "I hate him lately."
B: "Why? Fell into fights once more eh?"
A: "Ya, some things can't I tell you, sorry."
B: "You've been acting so stupid this year, you're losing the old you. Don't lose yourself for anyone else. I mean, does he still care about you? You're acting like giving your love for the trash bin."
A: "I know.."
B: "Then what are you looking for more?"
A: "I don't know. I just... Need him too much."
B: "Don't you ever wish that jerk to come back to you. I mean, sorry. If I could critcize you, you're a real morron."
A: "I've told him about everything last night and everything's getting worse."
B: "Rrrrr why don't you understand. He has no heart for you, anything you were saying won't matter him."

And once again.... I'm hurted. I won't be the one who says,
"Haha let's have some fun, boys are jerks so now let's find another one!"
Or write,
"Forget the past and open for the new one."
Or put this one on her Personal Message,
"I'm falling in love agaaaain woooaaah."

Dude, could you fall in love twice?

I'm 16 and still don't know what 'Love' is. I don't know wheter this feeling I have is 'Love'. I just....
Well, I've never had this feeling in my life.
For being overwhelming in everytime I said "Morning, sweetheart."
For being so happy everytime he said
"You're the only one."

And all of those bullshits.

I could be the most stupid lover ever. And I have been one.

And it's been 16 years I'm living this world. And if I want to tell you about everything about my life, I could write. But who cares? I did go through it. And now, am I fine enough?

And this night, I fall to my mama's embrace. I do fall. I cry.
"Mom, I'm really sorry. For being an useless kid this long. For breaking your rules too much. For ignoring all of your advice. For even taking no care about my life. I even can't tell you how much I'm hurted these days..."

And I cry...
"What happened dear? You're okay. You've been good this long. Maybe it's me who've been acting too rude to you. For not giving all of your needs..."

Ah... She's an angel. She's my angel. Really her heart is the most wonderful place I've ever been.

"Did I do wrong, mommy? I've done everything for the whole life I gave them. For every little thing I do to him I put a huge love on it. Still when he left me I have no difference in my way looking at him. For every time I trust my bestfriends, I gave them my whole time just to listen. Just to see them cry. Just to even listen that they're bored. Mommy did I do wrong?"

She cried.

"For seeing you like this, who's the one hurted the most? I'm feeling miserable watching you fall deeper. You go love him, you did no wrong. Then what're you waiting for more? You've been there before. You read people. What did make you be this weak just only for a common guy like that?"

I fall on her deeper. She knows me inside out. She knows every little thing I've done since I was nothing. 'till I'm here. Being a big girl with my weak heart.
She knows everything about me, even the things I don't know. She knows about everything I could be, even I've never thought to be like that.

She knows.

The truth heals.
By seeing the truth you could read people.
You could read their facts.
The facts in your own view. The facts that they backstab you.

What are you looking for more?
God's the fairest.

What are you looking for more?
When even your mommy always stands beside you, watching you upside down.
Without complaining while you're too busy in love.
Without complaining the way we ignore her just in case we're on the phone with our boyfriend.
Without complaining the truth we made the same mistakes over and over again..
And we say sorry. And break the rules. And sorry once more.

What are you waiting further?
When our family is the best thing we've ever had.
When breathing is the perfect thing to do in our life.
When God's always there for you, anytime you want to ask Him.

They say, "God always answers our prayer. But sometimes the answer is 'No'"

God says no, why do we keep on saying Yes?

You can't break the fate.
Go fall to your Mom. Ask God. And do your best.

In the name of God, I swear I love my Mom more than anything.
She always gives me the thing I don't even want, but the thing I've always needed.

You Can't Break A Broken Heart

2009-06-08T19:49:00.003+07:00

So, here we go.
I don't know what I really feel right now. I feel like fully broken.

So things start right here.

I used to love, I mean really love someone.
And I never thought that falling in love would be this hard. Okay, THIS hard.

Some people said that when you have to choose between your lover and your bestfriend, you should choose your bestfriend because friendship would last forever.

Then what would you do when your lover turns becoming your bestfriend?

Like someone you can't lie to.
When you're fully broken, he's the one who firstly knows.
When he becomes the one who really knows that using smooth words is the best way to correct you when you're wrong.
When he becomes the one who understands you like your father does.
When he becomes the one who could read your mind well.
When he becomes the one you need the most, even when you're scratched by your cat.

Sometimes it comes to a time where we two fall into a damn misunderstanding work.
Where we can't even read each other.
When we don't even know what we want.

My friend said, "You two have been together that long? How could be there no more love?"
I said, "My bad..."
My friend, "What bad?"

....I don't know

Well ya I know. That 'bad' is a thing he concluded himself.
Okay, there's no use in talking about this, we have no time to share our minds.
Or he maybe the one who doesn't want to listen.
Or... Maybe I'm the one who have no brain to think.

Like, I'm enough blaming myself.

He's now walking out of line, out of border.
Like I'm now acting badly.

I changed, I know. And it's wrong for me to change just because of stupid things.
Maybe it's just me who's damn weak to take care of myself.
But honestly, when I was acting out of line, he's the one who came to bring me back into the box.

He got his own way to smoothen me. To touch me tenderly straightly in my heart.
No matter how I went that far, he always came to bring me back home.

His only sin is... For being way too adaptive.
Sometimes he made himself taken by the flow.
That's why I called him stupid.
Sometimes he can't screen goods and bad things for him.

He's a stubborn.
He's the one I love the most.

For God's sake, I've never been this overwhelmed in having a good guy.
Okay, I mean I have had a good guy in my life.
He's on my 3rd line on my list. After my Parents, and my bestfriend (Dhira).

Well okay, I can't compare Dhira and him.
Okay, he's now out of list. He's the one on my first line in my morning list.

I know I mean nothing for him right now, but who cares?

There's a lot of words I want to tell him now.
Like.... A LOT.

But you know what? I always have his birthday-greeting-card in my wallet.
The way he wrote for me, way more beautiful than he acts now.
I'm loving your old words because I know I can't have you.....

Nah.

I don't want to have you tho. I just want you not to change.
People change, ya I know. But you've changed a lot.
Now I'm missing the old you, THIS much.

Okay I'm gonna make it clear.
I'm not hoping for anything about you, really I don't.
I'm not gonna make another wish upon a star for you.
You're way that far from the star I wished on.

I loved you, since two years ago we had time together.
Why? Because you're the first guy who was dare to call me "Jerk", shouted "Shit" at me and even mumbled "I'm fucked up" just because of misunderstanding things.
I loved you because you were the only one there for me when I was being left.
You were the one who called me possessive just because you felt like I was obsessed with you that much.

Now I love you, with the love you know I've given you fully.
With the love I've always said in our every morning's text.
With the love now I'm living with.
With the love that burdens me in every single day I memorize your name, your words, and your tears.

If you think that I've never tried to move on, then you're right.
You've ever asked me why. And I lied answering it.
I always said "This is the path I'm moving on, none of your business."
Now I'm tired of lying.

I love you, still with the love I have for you in every smile I gave you.

If you think I'm obsessed with you, then you're fully wrong.
You're not that 'good' to be obsessed.
You're not that perfect.
You're not the best guy I've ever met.
But the best of you is the one I used to have.

Now where's he going? I don't know.

I can't make you do the things I want.
Though for real, I don't want anything from you.
But I know who you were, and who you are. And now I hate it.

I hate the fact I love you the most.
I hate the fact that you're still the one who's right when I'm wrong.
You always be the one who knows everything I'm thinking about.
And I hate it for being stupid in love with you.
Because I know now I always need you this much.

If you want to know why, you're still my most trusted guy.
And for God's sake, I'm not obsessed with you.

Siblings

2009-06-06T20:47:00.000+07:00

So.. Things start like this.
I found that even siblings don't live in loving each others. Okay for example there are 4 people. A mom, and a son with his two sisters.

The big one should be a good leader, shouldn't him? I mean he has to always acts appropriately in face of his sisters. Giving the right amount of strength and love. Make sure that his sisters are gonna be two good women in life, to have their hearts with bravery and love for their families.

In fact that they don't have any daddy anymore. So am I wrong to say that the big one should be a good leader?

He should be a guard for his mom and his sisters, clearly.

And when quarrel cames between them (undefinitely mom-daughter, mom-daughters, or daughter-daughter), he should be the arbitrator. Not the lighter of the fire.

Let's say they're A, B, and C.
C: "B's such a bee, flying over my ears making me crazy"
A: "Wow, what happened?"
C: "Here's the story...................."
A: "Blah, she's being a bee. Have no brain in living.................."

Shouldn't him see with neutral eyes? I mean not to judge by one eye?

Hours later.
A: "I talked to mom, she lied. She said that she's okay with B, what a lie"
C: "Really? Yes, mommy always hide every bad things B did, she loves her too much"
A: "Yea, and she said.........."
C: "Really? Haha what a @&!?/ she is"
A: "Haha ya, we knew that something's wrong with her since she was a girl. Bah no sense in talkin bout her."

Who started talking?

Let say that B's a weirdo. But hey, you three are siblings. Feels like wrong in telling her what's going on with her?

Oh ya, you say no use? You don't even try. Go straight talk to her, don't backstab. Once again, you three are S-I-B-L-I-N-G-S.

Have any problem with a pilih-kasih mommy? Go face the mirror. See, whose life is better? Isn't she pathetic? Then is it a sin for giving her more love?

If you hate her, then show it. After showing it, feel any guilt eh? Means that you do love her. Don't let hatred fills your days up. Is it wrong in loving her more?

Open your heart, open your eyes.
Don't talk like you've been the best. Is this thing you do good for your children? Giving them habit in backstabbing their brothers/sisters?

People have their own good and bad side.
That's why we should open our eyes wider, listen clearer and feel deeper. Not to see everyone's faults clearly but to soo their life positively.

If you don't like someone, go shut up your mouth. If you feel like to throw up, make sure that your stomach's still there not to show them they look like junk

Pieces

2009-05-22T21:41:00.003+07:00

Pieces.
Have you ever torn something into pieces?
Like someone's heart maybe?
You can't put them back into one, you can't go back at one.

Would you tear a leaf for me? Then stick it back at one?
It looks like a leaf, but it is broken.
You can't have it make you any oxygen.
It can't give you something to breath.

You can't ask a leaf to give you green.
Or give you water, or even only ornament to be put outside your door.

It wasn't leaf I thought to be written down here.

It is me, you, and our life.

Life isn't a leaf. Life doesn't give us something to breath with.
Life only gives us chances. And it is US who destine to choose the path we're going on.

"All we have to do is do the best, then let God do the rest"

Could you ask Him to do the best for you when even you're not giving your best?
God doesn't need our best either.

Have you ever been thinkin that you're not getting things you deserve to get?
You could hate everyone around you. But still.. You can't get what you want.
Until the time is here.

Having people nice on you is normal. Or maybe a good thing to feel.

Nice. There must be something behind that nice thingy.
Read people, could you?

I don't know if it's only me who can't trust on people, or it is life that has its own secret.

I used to trust people. But they splashed all of my trust on my face, should I give them any chance? I'm sorry.

It is nice to see people sharing with their lovers, bestfriends, parents, classmates, or others.
I'm not asking myself why I can't share my own thoughts with them. It's just not me.
People lied on me, but they acted like I've never known about what they've done.

I'm. Not. Stupid.
Once more, I'm not stupid.

Back to the pieces.

I'm currently lying to myself. Acting like I need noone to depend on.
I'm a human being, I'm still normal. I do need someone to listen to all of my stories, to be the bin of my tears, to be my blankets when it's cold inside.

Repeat, I'm not stupid.
I won't be falling for the same mistake. I do fall, for the right thing for me.

I know what's right and what's wrong for me. I'm not the one who's falling over again without knowing what's wrong with it.
I know what I'm doing. I could be a stubborn.
There's only 2 people in my life who know me as well as I know myself. Don't guess.
Don't ever you dare trying to guess who they are.

For all the things I've done and I've passed, I still have my cold brain to think.
I'm not getting out of this border, I'm not letting my thought get out of my mouth.

For knowing the truth, talk to me. Don't stalk, don't stab.

I'm now ready

2009-05-14T22:12:00.002+07:00

When everything's now back to normal, what would you do?
Watching. Over. A distance.

I don't need to watch either, those bugs are flying to me.

When you can't lie, and can't hide, what would you do to make me trust you?
Cry won't solve anything.
I don't know who's the one wretch here? Open your eyes, make a sight around you.
You'll notice something if you don't think with your selfish brain.

It's not about who's right or wrong, dude. It's all about who has started this, and who's gonna end this.

Don't ask me a war, i could give you the world to bury on. Like, duh. I can't think straight.

Don't ask me to be nice, I know the right time for being nice.
I'm not pretending, this is such a real me.

I'm not giving you pain. I'll provide you with the right measure of tears, and joy.
Now have fun with your perfect life.

Because I'm now ready to break.

Betrayal

2009-05-13T08:47:00.003+07:00

I can't really explain what I'm now currently feeling right now. Feels like.. Have no more words to explain how much I love you.

I'm not gonna talk about love either.
What're you gonna do when the one whom you've given everything, happily stab you. Straight, right in front of you.
I'm not gonna waste another time on you, on her, on everyone else.
I can't think clearly right now.

I just don't know what people want from me.
Want me to hear you? I'm listening all day long, with my ears around your room, my dear.
You want me to calm you down? I give you all of my time.
You want me to teach you what love means, now I'm sure you don't get what I've taught you.

You, are just a teenager. I'm a teen too.

Tears stop falling now, I'm not feeling well.
I'll write later, lemme watch you two over a distance, like he said.

Here It Goes

2009-05-10T21:05:00.002+07:00

Have you ever felt like being used? Or being lied on?
And you're so darn fed up?

I'm feeling that way now. I won't talk much, I just want to write till my head comes back to normal.

1. Backstabbers

I don't know what the hell happens with them. The most annoying backstabbers are the ones who don't have any problem with us but they keep on stalking and talking behind us. Feels like, duhhh what't wrong with you? I don't have any problem with you either. If you do hate me, tell me. Talk it straight to me. Don't be such a chicken.
There are 2 types of backstabber I know.

a. The ones who are close to us, but hate some of our attitudes. They talk about us behind, not in front of us. Apa coba susahnya ngomong di depan kita aja biar kita bisa ngubah sikap kita? Ya nggak? Don't be such a chickennn pok pok.

b. The ones who clearly don't know who us are, but keep on trying the ones who have quarrel with us to hate us more. DUH you don't know us, don't try to be any saviour. If you want to support the enemies, don't be such a bad influence. Make it straight, don't make yourself be inside the line. It's none of your business.

2. Lovers

I'm really not in the mood in love. There's only one difference between a lover and a backstabber. Lover stabs you right in your heart, and a backstabber pinches you from the back.

They're not going the same for y'all. But for me, lover is as disappointing as a backstabber.
They don't want us to play rude, but they're using swords.

Falling out Love pt.2

2009-05-10T20:43:00.002+07:00

Feels like... Don't know.
I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I don't know what's wrong.
Yea i've been in this problem for thousand times, but what would you expect from me if you don't even listen?

Now I really really don't care about anything.
If only you want to listen, it'd be great. But you won't. So who cares?

I'm not giving any chances, anymore.
I don't mean to tell the world that I'm the victim. Coz I'm not.
I don't want to influence that you're the one to blame too.

I just don't want to give anyone any chances. Really, I promise.
I'm now sixteen, I won't say any sorry for anyone else's fault.

Honestly, I want to tell the world about everything you've lied about to me.
But sounds so stupid, I'm not a coward like you.
I don't care how much you hate me, because now I hate you too.
Everything seems to be ashes now already.

I won't take any risk, this is the way I want.
I don't care how many tears I will cry for the next days.

Remember the Save Room by John Legend?
"Love hurts sometimes when you do it right"

It hurts me, got it why?
I won't ask why doesn't it go the same way to you.

Just try to listen Save Room, so you'll get everything.

Falling out Love

2009-05-09T22:25:00.000+07:00

A heartbreak is not a thing that will kill you.
It won't disturb you for a long time if you survive.
But the matter is, you don't know how long it would be nice for you to stay with a brokenheart.

I don't know whether I'm having a brokenheart or not.
I'm a heartbreaker for sure.

People are the heartbreakers.

I'm sure I'm surviving, and I will keep on surviving.
I don't feel anything tho, I feel nothing.

Everyday I woke up, it just felt so great.
Checking on my phone like usual, wishing that it'd be any morning text or something.
I must be dreaming.

What love means when whom we love is blissfully letting go of us?
Love means sacrifice.

I haven't done any sacrifice tho.
I'm doing things I think they're good.

I just don't know how long it will take me fully to the ground so I can stop dreaming.
I'm a good dreamer, I'm a highscraper.

My Favourite Persons

2009-05-07T22:31:00.011+07:00

Here it goes, I want to tell you all about my people. They're all ones who make my days lightened up, bringing me down then fly me away to the moon.

1. Ms Susilawati Abidin

She's the one who wakes me up at morning, and bring me down back to sleep at night. She calls me with every little love in her lips. She has everything I need everyday. She's the drug, she's my mom. You could read the post below if you want to know her, a bit. You can't know her better :p

2. Alm Taufik Bayasut

He's such the beeest guy ever. He's my daddy who's already passed away. He's the one who gives me everything I want in time. I'll tell you later about him, I'll write you sentences about him. It will be so darn long, have to be made as another post :)

3. Mas Dhiradharana

He's my bestfriend since I was a child. We met in the 4th grade of Elementary School. He was one of new students there, and still fill my days till now. We've been through for 7 years, along the tears and laugh we had. He can't stop eating. He eats a lot, really. We played piano together. He's such a big pianist wannabe. He gives me those piano sheets everytime I tell him to. He calls me whenever he needs me, and he calls me everytime I put my phone scroll in his name. Now we're separated, he's now at SMAN 47. I know everything about him, he knows everything about me. I can't lie to him and neither nor him. He's such a badass if I share him any sad story, he'd just laugh -_- 'hahaha' is his favourite word to say, to write, and to type.

4. Masagus Muhammad Edsel Qasswara

He's such a really, really, really, really and really good guy. We spent our 11 months with laugh, smile, and tears. We had no rose, I don't like rose either. And then came a time where we had to break up, au revoir, Monsieur.

We've been so upside down, till now. He is my bestfriend, a really really good friend to be had. I can read his mind, I can read his attitude. With the eyes on his steps. He can read my mind too, so I can't lie to him. He's still the one I need everytime I got scolded by my mother, he's still the one I cry on when I got bad scores at school. He's still the one I want to play my Hello Kitty with. He is a good guy, he is my bestfriend. He sometimes runs and hides, coz I'm kinda spoiled. I can't resist that I need to tell him about eeeeverything.

He lied, he hide, he ran. He taught me to see the world completely, not to see with my own eyes. But to see with the eyes on the sky, to see through it by the way a bird fly above. He taught me manners, how to be a good girl. He taught me not to lie, not to hide anything. He taught me how to love, and how I suppose to be loved. He taught me how to be patient, to wait the things you want and try your best to get it. He taught me to undertand people more and more. He taught me every little thing he had done everyday, to feel and to see. He is my bestfriend.

They all above are the ones I love the most, I need the most, and sometimes understand me more than I know myself.

Here they are again, who've filled my head with jokes and random thingy.

1. Femmy Zessicha, Arrum Nadhira, Fiera Radia, Sherry Prissila, Meinyda Fachrani, & Chika Annisa

They filled my head with bunch of love, papers and ink. They are like love letters, ones I wait in everyday after I write for them. Feels like home when I'm with them. They're all childish, but comfortable. They're all annoyying, but lovely. I can't describe how much I love them, I feel like home.

2. Cindy Amalia Syabilah, Atiqah Zulfa Nadia, Larasayu Citra, Clarissa Paulina, Tesa Yanuar Renjani, Pungky Kusumastutie, Ajeng Larasati, Rizka Yuniarsih.

We used to be classmates at the first grade of high school. They're all my treasures I firstly found in this school. They're not highschool students, they're all kindergarten kids. They act so darn childish, but I'm pretty comfortable with them, I'm kinda childish too. We've spent times together at school. Not at mall, or hangout thingy. We've done so many little things that are memorable. They filled up my day with love, anger, tears and jokes. Can't show you the way I love you, guys.

3. Araditya Yudha Pratama, Adino Ruswanto, Pardamean Oktavianus, David Aldo, Adi Pratomo

Ara & Dino more likely family to me. Ara understand me much, kinda brother to have. Dino's such a good joker, really. Dame, gosh he's awkward, he's annoying, he's weird, he makes me laugh. Aldo, I'm not pretty close to him, but he really is a good singer and guitar player, and he lightens my days too! Adi, kinda good boy, annoying and quiet. They all make me laugh till tears come out from my eyes, they're such brothers to have.

There are still more friends to write, but thought it'd be such a long post, eh?

There are still more, really. Like my Gossip Gurlz in Alizhar :p and my school friends of course! Uhmm my CK girls, and and and.. Many.
For my daddy's description, I'll write it soon okay. I'm kinda hungry ♥♥

Bouquet of Roses for My Mother.

2009-05-06T06:08:00.000+07:00

She's kinda sweet lady, different, adaptable, and lovely.
You won't know who she is if you don't want to.
She doesn't even want you to know her.
She's quiet, calm, and dangerous.
No doubt why my daddy loved her so.

She's dangerous, she has razor mouth.
If you don't know who she is, you won't help running away from her.
Her mind's such a blackhole, kinda hard to swim through it.
You can watch her, but you can't read her. You can't touch her.

People said, she's kinda shy.
At first, she is.
Once more, you can't help knowing the strength she has to break your mind.
She's stronger than Juliet, she's sweeter than Lady Diana, she's smarter than Kartini.

You know what? I love her.
No matter how many problems we've been through.
Much shouting we've done, many tears we've cried together.
They're all gone as the sun comes up, by my heart into her.

By many women I know, she's still the one I know better.
She sometimes said, I couldn't understand her.
It's not like that. I'm kinda lazy to talk, I sometimes keep my mouth shut.
I read people, surely I know her.

Deep inside, she's the only lady I adore.
Doesn't care there's so much women out there.

I won't deny if sometimes we get into quarrel, at the time I hate her, I hate myself for hating her.
Everytime I pray, I've always begged God to give her everything she wanted.
Everything she didn't tell me.

She's the best tearswiper, she's the best heartwarmer.

I don't care how rich people out there.
I don't care how much money your parents have.
I don't care about places in the world you've visited. Europe, America, Egypt, I don't care.

The most beautiful place I've ever been, is my Momma's heart.
You can't imagine how comfortable it is when you're there.

I don't look like I love her this much, I can't be crazy of anything.

I don't even care how I look like.

Deep inside, she's the best lady ever, I love her like I love my life.

Don't try to read her, you could never read.
Don't you ever wish to touch her, she's dangerous, she's lovely.
She's my mother, she's my saviour.

♥♥♥

Please

2009-05-03T22:07:00.003+07:00

Please, I beg you not to ask too much.

I'm living my happy life. This is the happiness i found. It's none of your business.

Happiness is a thing that will last..............
Don't ask me to be happy.

I don't need you here while i'm crying. I don't need you to be my everything. You'll go, like you did.
You're just a wind. Don't involve any more thing, or any more circumstances here.

Don't ask me too much to do the thing you wanted me to.

I'm so fed up of giving people chances. They don't give me any single one.
I'm so full of lies, I'm having them in my pillow. Anyone care, eh? No need to answer.

I still don't get the purpose of life. I don't care. Now I'm sleepy, bye ♥

Them

2009-05-03T17:57:00.000+07:00

They told me to leave you. Leave everything that smells good. Everything that's ever lightened my days up. Leave everything i want to possess.

I don't do what they said. I don't care. I stay, I'm here. I'm good.

They told me to do this, so i could have a better life. I don't do what they told me. They told me to takecare of myself, but i hurted my self.

I don't do what they told me to. I'm having the best life. I'm happy, I'm great. I'm thundering.

They don't know you. What's the point of telling you?
They don't want to hurt you, of course. But they don't even know how to heal you.

You're about to cry, they don't even know where the tissue is. You're about to mad, they don't know how to make a joke.

I don't trust people, do I?

I don't care. I have nothing that is eternal.

I wonder what is the purpose of life.......

Don't know, it's none of my business. All I have to do is get along my life, do anything I want. Am i liberal? No. I do everything I want with my ears open for everyone's comment, advice, etc. But sorry, I don't keep them all in my mind. I have many important things to face more than thinking about everyones' critical.

I live my live, i step on it.

Sometimes, for being good at yourself, you have to be cruel. Open your eyes wider, listen clearer, but don't be a part of the commentator. They sometimes are just the ones who can't be you.

Oh, my bad. They want you to be better, but they don't know how to lead you.

I didn't say that i don't need any comment. I just don't need anyone who only could talk, not giving me way out.

Sorry, sorry. I understand people, but I don't understand the way they look at me.

"When life gives you hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have thousand reasons to smile"

Got it? Go ahead and face your life with smile.

............It won't help.
You don't have to smile all day long, don't be such a drama queen.

People know you're hurted, but my bad, they don't know the way to save you.

Just live your life with the easiest way. Don't make it hard. But sometimes, to get the easy way, you have to face the hardest part. Trust me, you'll get strength to break.

Give me The Answer

2009-04-30T06:50:00.001+07:00

Something i still cannot get is, why people could even lose their love feeling? I mean, if you say you love someone, then someday you go left him/her with your empty heart, then it's not love.

I'm sixteen, and i still don't know what love is. I easily fell in love, but even can't fell out of it.
Love. Love. L o v e.
Anyone knows about this crazy thing? My friend, Pungky, said that Love she knows is the thing that will last forever. Like the Love she sees in her parents. If it is, then i haven't fallen in a love like that.

But for me, Love is kinda thing you won't miss in everyday when you're already onto it. You'll do anything for the one you love. You can't even resist anything in your heart. You can't deny your anger, your missing feeling, your inquisitiveness, you can't even resist your jealousy. Sometimes you feel like about to be cruel. And sometimes you want to fly all the way, you want to be with everything he loves, everything he wants. You can't do anything when he's gone, all you can do is wait. Longer you wait, more strength you have. More you be hurted, the more power to break you get.

And when it all comes to and end................. You cried. You miss everything about you&him. You want to give everything to be back together. Then you feel fully stupid. Dude, it's all about the past.

If you're now back with him, what are you gonna do? Go through it all the same? Dude, it's now different.

When the things you've missed go back in your hands, things aren't going to be easy.

When it all comes to and end............... You have to let go. You should move on. Then I'm lying.

It's not that easy.

Letting go doesn't mean you have to forget everything, then go on with someone else. Letting go for me, is trying to be more patient, keep waiting, and giving it all back to the one we love.

Waiting isn't easy tho.

The harder you try, easier way you'll face.

I don't know what love is, I don't even care what is it. But the thing I know is I've ever loved someone. And i know now, loving isn't only about having or possessing. Loving gives you the way to see the world by 4 eyes, telling something in 2 mouths, doing everything with 4 hands, and keep on feeling the vibe by one heart.

Changes

2009-04-29T21:44:00.003+07:00

Some things have changed, I know. I don't care. Sigh, I don't even care about anything.

They loved you. Now they don't. They wanted you. Now they don't.

Someone could turn yesterday-love into today-loneliness. Someone could even fill your head with flowers, and turn you down into ash. Feels like life's circle, but it's not. It's your own circle to have your pirouette. You can't blame anyone for your life. You can't blame God. You can't even ask Him anything if you left Him all the time.

You can't count on someone when he/she's not even care about you. When they're only busy with their own thing. They tell you every little thing they do, but they have no time for your big headache. You can't even blame them, you open your door for them. And they come laying on your embrace. It's not you when you're alone. It's not me when I'm having my own piece of mind..

............It's me.
I'm having my own piece of mind. I could be as cruel as I imagine, I could be the true high-dreamer. I could be you, I could be anything I want.

Lie

2009-04-29T19:44:00.003+07:00

Sometimes, people lie. And some people live to lie. I don't know why, I don't care, I hate liars.

Yesterday, you say you're sorry. You regretted everything. This morning, you've forgotten everything. Talked like you used to, kept on being harsh, lied, lied, lied. I hate lies. I hate liars. I hate you.

Reasons to lie, please? Give me. Though I won't care. I just want to know.

People lie for good, people lie for their own good. Don't know, I just don't trust people. I don't trust myself, I can't keep on trusting life.

People have so many reasons to lie. I lie, I do. I lie for my own business, but I rarely lie. I don't lie to avoid or resisting or stay a distance from anything, anyone.

I don't know, I hate lies.

Bash bash bash!

2009-04-28T19:49:00.003+07:00

Today, was such a long day. I was so darn busy this day ughhh too many works, tired. But you know what? My friends gave me a gift! Some simple gifts, but though i cried haha :p Thank you for my buddies, I love you all ♥♥

It's Monday Again

2009-04-27T21:32:00.003+07:00

It was such the best Monday ever~ I mean for the first day school after a long looong holiday.

Like heaven, our PKN teacher didn't come to teach us today. A teacher gave me an assignment, so i just came in and gave it to Bella, so she could write it at the whiteboard. While i'm playing with those crazy classmates :p Call me irresponsible. Yea at last i got scolded by that teacher, but who cares?

At the classroom, we (Science 4 students) played that tv game, Boombastis or whatever it called. Someone sang, then you have to continue singing it. If you can't, you'll be shaked off the desk till you fall down. Ughh it was fun seeing AldyBlack and Avi played it haha :D

At the last lesson, Indonesian thingy, we watched Dina's drama. Well, quite fun. Then i and my group just remembered that our drama script hadn't been finished yet! So we decided to make it all at Cinere. So we went to Pizza Hut, and ate there and takled about that drama.

Well, some bad things happened today but it was all alright, i have someone who listened to me and thank youuuu!

At least, this Monday was fun. I played a lot, ughhh fun dude, it was fun :D

I'll write later, when i have the mood to write. See ya ♥♥♥

Holiday is Over, dude!

2009-04-26T20:15:00.003+07:00

Yaampun engga kerasa banget seminggu libur ya? Pengen libur lagi rasanya. Kemarin pagi pas bangun tidur aja udah nggak tenang hidup gw, pr belum ada yang dikerjain satupun, sedih. Yaudahlah besok lupain aja, gimana kalo cerita tentang liburan aja? Anyone has any story? Let's start with mine then...

Let's start with Monday.
I and my friend had a kinda shooting, for France's last year assignment if you all want to know hehehe. We went to Tebet. Ah I forgot those places we visited. But the point is, we ate all day long, and I felt like my jeans were going to stretch out of my hips. And yea we had fun of course :D

Tuesday.
I went to IPB! You know what IPB is right? Ughhh lemme tell you. IPB is Bogor Agricultural University. I want to study there like i could cry. I and my mother, with my grandma too went there. It was such a looooong trip. I just knew that it is located far away from bogor town centre. It is at the end of the road.. No no, my bad. It is located at the village down there. But the thing that made me happy iiiiiis students there were good. I mean their faces look like they're kinda good people hehehe. Ah i can't write that long here, but it was fun :)

Wednesday.
Ughhh i spent my day at home! I played the sims 2 all daaaaay. I made a family, which had me, my daddy and my mommy as its sims ;p I controlled it till i got married, and had twin babies! Uuu like i could jump :p I used no cheats, btw. Yea sometimes, with that maxmotives thingy :p

Thursday.
Hmmmm one day left till my birthday comes. Really i felt so sad, my friends were all gone. Lets start with Dhira, he went to Bandung with his omen. Arrum, she's at home clearly, but i don't know... I just couldn't get any surprise like last year. Femmy, Fiera, Lala were all gone. I didn't know where they were. The last thing i knew is Lala went to bandung. And Fiera like usual, must've spent her holiday on her pillow haha. Nyda, her father was sick. Edsel, he went to Tasik with Alizhar student, doing their field trip. Ughhh who left? My mommy. And i didn't even know she had a such crazy idea like i had :p
At the morning, i went to my friend, Anti, to do our drama project. On the way there...
F: Mom.
M: Yes?
F: I'm bored. I want to go somewhere.
M: Where, honey? Where do you want to go?
F: Don't know, somewhere please?
M: Hmm how about Bandung?
F: ??? What? Really?
M: Yes.. I'll pick you up after this drama thingy finished, we went home and pack our stuffs.
F: Ughh it will be in the afternoon, is that okay?
M: Yea? What's wrong?
F: Nothing.
Then I went to Anti's house. We hadddddddd fun really I laughed all day reading the script, though i still didn't have any role. The most enjoyable thing is i could teach them how to act hahahaha no no, jk :p
Bla bla bla, at the afternoon, we went to Bandung! Yeay. It took 5 hours to get there, sigh. There was such an accident at the high way, i think. I don't know, I slept. Sorry mommy :p
When we've arrived there....
F: Mom, do you know the route?
M: No. I'm trying to remember the street daddy drove to your uncle's house.
F: Well, okay. NAH! I think this is the way.
M: Really? Let's give you a try.
......................such a long trip
F: Mom, it's Ciwalk again.
M: Hm?
F: We've already passed it by 3 times.
M: Sigh... That's why we couldn't find your uncle's house.
For only searching my uncle's house, we took an hour. Man, an hour at Bandung means you've already gone around about 4 places by foot.
Finally, at 12.18 am we got there. No, wait! It was my birthday already. Some messages delivered to my phone, it was from Cindy, Intan, etc.
God... I'm sixteen :)

Friday.
When i woke up, i replied some new messages on my phone. I had my breakfast, and took my bath. I, my mommy, auntie&her son, cousin&her friends went to ITB. We lifted them there, they joined the Robotics thingy. They made robots, and lalala i don't know. But it was cool either hehe. After ITB, the next destination is my cousin's school. We picked her up, and took our way. We went to Ciwalk, and have a lunch at PVJ.
In the afternoon, Dhira who was at Bandung either, asked me whether he could went home with us. Yes, i said. So we picked him up, and went to my uncle's house to take our belongings. Dhira was left at my car when I took my bag at the house. Because my uncle was an Arabian, me too. But he and his family (My daddy's family) was kinda strict about boy-girl thingy. So i didn't tell them that i went back to jakarta with Dhira, coz he was a boooy hello.
We had a nice trip home :) We drop by Cikampek, coz my mommy wanted to eat Sate Maranggi! Yeay. We ate a lot. Dhira, my treat for you has already been taken ya :p

Saturday.
I spent my day at my house. Arrum came here. She brought a present for me yeay! You know what was it? Barney doll! Which when you push the belly, it would sing 'I love you.. You love me.. We are happy family..' song :D:D:D
Chika came here too, just for time. She wanted to go to PIM at 5 :(
Then I and Arrum ordered McD, played Hotel 626 (just until the first room:p), watched tv, and gossiping.
We had fun either, we had fun :)

Sunday.
I supposed to go mengaji every Sunday. But i don't know why, oh why. I and my mommy catched fish in the morning yay! At that little pond on my garden, there's so much fish-egg. So there are those little fish thereeee. We're afraid that they'll be eaten by those big ones, so we placed them to the aquarium.
It wasn't easy either. We have to be careful, so they won't die.
What a morning, we played with fish.
In the afternoon, i went to A&W to give Anti my Science's report. She wanted to copy it :p After that i went to Mitra10, accompanying my mother. We bought ceramics, closet, and others.
I was just too lazy to do my PKN homework, so i asked Anti to do it for me hahaha.

And this is my third post, isn't it? I was just toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo busy to write. No no, i mean i was just too lazy to open my blog. I didn't know how to link people either hahaha so i asked Nisa. Thank you Nisa :):)

Maybe next time i'll write more, but not now. I'm kinda bored. Thank you for reading guys ♥♥

Friday baby Friday!

2009-02-27T20:30:00.001+07:00

Happy weekend people! Err not yet actually..

Jumat ini tuh jumat bahagia sedunia, engga juga sih. Intinya ya lagi seneng aja hehe. Hari ini, gw karaokean sama temen2! Hehe engga begitu penting juga sih. Tapi ya berhubung para ibu2 negara ini paling susah kalo diajak jalan bareng, ya seneng dong kl bs jalan bareng2 hehe. Itu juga tadi ngga lengkap, Ayu ngga ikut :(

Jadi gini kronologisnya.. Kemarin itu pas hari rabu kita rencananya mau jalan bareng2 gitu. Trus ya pokoknya begitu deh ceritanya sampe akhirnya ngga jadi, nah diganti deh sm hari ini. Sebenernya rada susah jg buat gw izin pergi sm nyokap, semalem udh mancing2 tapi responnya menyeramkan.

'Mama besok kerja ngga?'
'Kenapa? Mama nggausah kerja aja ya? Mama jemput fika besok kerumah fiera'
'Err engga, kalo mama kerja aku mau pergi soalnya'
'Mau pergi kemana lagi sih???????!'

Begitu kira2 kisah menyeramkan di malam jumat kemarin. Dan berhubung emang lagi agak2 aura cold war alias perang dingin gw dan nyokap itu, masalah warnet thingy itu jadi suasana rumah jadi dingin. Namanya juga perang dingin.

Tadi pagi, berangkat sekolah dll berlangsung dengan lancar. Sampe di sekolah, temen2 pada ngmgn mslh karaokean lagi kan. Trus gw bilang aja 'belom tentu gw ikut' tapi ya gw pengen banget lah gila rame2 gitu. Akhirnya gw nelpon nyokap.

'Mama ngga jadi kerja?'
'Engga, mau nengok Bu Dang mungkin. Kenapa? Mau mama jemput ntar ya langsung pulang sekolah?'
'Emm aku kan mau pergi'
'Pergi kmn sih????'
(Mendadak panik)
'Ke poinsquare, mau jalan jalan'
'Jalan di poinsquare??'
(Memanas)
'Emm mau karaokean'
'Sama siapa?'
'Temen-temen'
'Liat aja nanti' (klik, telpon diputus)

30 detik kemudian...
'Halo?'
'Nanti mau sampe jam brp emgnya?'
'Jam 2 kali ma, dr jam 12 soalnya'
'Emangnya kamu kapan mau nemenin mama survei *beep*?'
'Ya ngga tau mama maunya kapan? Mama ga bilang dr kemarin kl mau survei'
'Ya fika bisanya kapan?'
'Minggu juga bisa'
'Minggu kelamaan'
'Yaudah mama maunya kapaaaan?'
'Yaudadeh liat ntar. Nanti kamu maestronya gimana?'
'Langsung dr poins'
'Jangan tinggal maestronya'
'Ya engga. Justru kalo aku pulang malahan aku bakal tidur ampe malem jadi bolos maestro tiap jumat'
'Ya kan ada mama di rumah jd bs mama bangunin' (oke, part belakangan ini emg rada gapenting)
'Ya drpd pulang dulu nanggung'
'Yaudahlah ati2' (klik, putus)

Pada awalnya gw gangerti juga maksud kata 'ati2' itu apa. Tapi pada akhirnya gw menyimpulkan kalo gw dibolehin pergi, yaay!

Trus gw ngajak ara dino dll juga buat ikut. Banyak badai menghadang buat ngajak mereka berdua itu ikut. Akhirnya, mereka memutuskan untuk ikut tapi nyusul setelah sholat jumat.

Trus, kita para ibu2 negara cabs ke Poins.

Di Inulvizta.
'mbak, medium nya ada?'
'ada, emang buat brp orang?'
'umm 1.. 2.. 3... 8 orang'
'ngga bisa, masuknya ke large, medium maksimal 6 orang'
Wth? Lebih 2 orang doang yee.
'yaudalah mba kita maunya medium aja'
'ngga bisaaaa. large'

Setelah perseteruan hebat, nggak sih. Setelah pendaftaran akhirnya kita masuk ruangan.

Trus kita ambil posisi masing2 biar pw. Yang pada akhirnya posisi itu juga ga berbentuk wong kita nyanyi nya berdiri trus joget2 plus loncat2 pula.

Kita nyanyi bareng2, yang sebenarnya yg mendominasi mic itu si Ajeng :p dasar anak padus satu itu. Kita nyanyi lagu apa ya? Banyak deh. Sampe berasa lg audisi Indonesian Idol aja.

Sampe setengah jam mau habis, Ara Dino blm nyampe2 juga. Sedangkan dr setengah jam pertama aja gw udah bawel nanyain 'ara mana? Udh sampe mana mereka?' dll.

Terus, sampe selesai pun mereka baru dateng. Mereka nunggu di waiting room gitu. Mereka berdua mukanya bete. Gatau knp, akhirnya gw samperin mereka.

F: 'ara dino kenapaa? maaf ya jadi ngga ikut.. kenapa datengnya lama?'
A; 'ya bukannya datengnya lama, emang perjalanannya lama' (datar, serem)
F: 'hoo yaampun.. kenapa bete?'
D: 'gimana ga bete, tadi kata tesa selesainya jam 2.45 eh gw sampe sini jam 3.30 tesa nelp lagi katanya selesainya jam 2.35'
F: 'ha? sumpah demi apa? gw gatau apa apaaaa, kita selesainya emg jam 3 kan mulainya setengah 1 no'
D: 'iya'
F: 'jangan bete bete tapinyaaaa'
D: 'gimana ngga keki, gigi gw lagi sakit pula'

Akhirnya kita turun. Ke a&w, makan berbincang dll. Trus pas mau pulang....

Tesa: (sobbing)
Rizka: 'lho tesa kenapaaaa?' (hug)
T: 'ga mau ditinggal sendiri' (still crying)
F: 'loh emangnya kamu pulang naik apa?'
T: 'dijemput'
R: 'jam?'
T: 'jam 6'
D: 'haa gila kamu mau nungguin dimana'
F: 'pulang sama ajeng aja tesa, kan sejalan'
T: 'ga mau, pusing'
D: 'pusing beneran ga sih lu? paling jg cuma alasan gr2 tadi gw marah'
Oke, dino itu pacarnya tesa. Emang paling cablak kl ngomong, ke siapapun termasuk pacarnya. Tapi dibalik itu, dia perhatian banget lho!
F: 'eeeh apa deh lu ngmgnya kyk gitu. tenangin dong pacar lo'
D: '......'

Pada akhirnya, tesa pulang juga sama ajeng. Setelah menempuh pemikiran yang amat panjang dan penuh dengan 'bingung'. Emang si tesa ini lemotnya aduhai, 'bingung' nya bikin orang linglung. Tapi gini2 dia pinter abis, menyebalkan :p

Terus, gw pulang sama rizka. Pas turun di gintung dan mau nyebrang, ada polisi gitu. Serem deh takut ditilang gara2 sikap menyebrang yang salah.

'dek, mau nyebrang?'
'uh iya pak'
Trus pak polisinya nyebrangin gw! Wah baik banget ya. Baru sekali ini gw disebrangin sama pak polisi. Perlu dicatet tuh tanggalnya, 27 Februari 2009. Oh iya, hari ini si Arrum juga ulangtahun loh! Happy birthday Mushroomie :D

Lanjut lanjut. Trus gw ke maestro deh, les dan lain lain. Setelah les, gw nelpon nyokap gw dan ternyata dia masih di rumah -_- engga jemput gw masa. Akhirnya gw pulang sendiri lagi...

Gw kira, nasib gw bakal berakhir pas sampe di rumah soalnya bakal dimarahin gara2 meninggalkan mama begitu saja dirumah sendirian. Tapi ternyata engga! Semua berjalan biasa saja. Sampe rumah ya seperti biasa deh kita cerita2 tentang kegiatan hari ini hehehe. Emang ibu sama anak sifatnya sama aja, moody nya bener2 kronis. Sekarang baik2 aja lagi tuh kita lupa masalah kemarin kayaknya. Ini kita lagi ngobrol2 kok hihihi i love you mama :3

My life is just so....... boring

2009-02-26T21:52:00.001+07:00

It happened last night. Gatau kenapa, apa emang gw yang salah ato emang hal yang salah di saat yang betul untuk disalahkan juga gw ngga ngerti.

Tapi, selalu kejadiannya begitu. Nyokap selalu bilang kalo gw ngga bisa ngertiin dia, gw ngga berfikiran dewasa, masih ngga punya rasa tanggung jawab sama hidup, dll.

Kemarin itu kamis sore, yaa abis magrib kira2. Mama ngajak ngmg gw buat ngmn suatu hal. Dia punya ide buat bikin warnet katanya, yg mau dirancang sedemikian rupa biar suasananya cozy. Demi apapun gw ngga pernah kepikiran buat mendirikan sebuah warnet. Jadi ya pas mama ngmg bla bla bla gw diem aja, toh gw ngga punya ide. Daripada gw ngasih ide biar warnet nya sekalian nyediain paket pijat, ya ngga? Secara badan gw masih pegel2 gara2 hari senin olahraganya tes kebugaran yg disuruh angkat barbel segala, berasa atlit betul saya. Oke emg lebay, barbel nya cuma 1 kg kok.

Lanjut lanjut. Di ruang tamu akhirnya gw diem aja, ga ngasih komen apa2.

Mama, 'kamu ngga ada ide apa gitu?'
gw, '............' gigit kuku
Mama, 'kalo papa kamu masih ada pasti dia bakalan dukung mama, pasti dia bakalan antusias'
.....demi apapun juga, hello this is me. Jangan bandingin sama makhluk sempurna macam papaku itu. Satu hal yang ngga bisa hilang dr mama itu selalu membandingkan segalanya sm papa. Iya sih gw juga :p mama emang cinta mati sama papa, heaven knows. So i blame noone here.

Lanjut,
'kenapa sih kamu ngga bisa mama ajak ngomong? Jangan biasain cara berfikir kamu kyk anak2 lainnya. Kita hidup bukan buat ngabisin uang yg ada, tapi buat mikir gmn caranya biar ada input.'
gw, '...........'
Trus mama berdiri, ngambil buku mompreneurship '160 Ide Bisnis Paling Laris' 'baca 1-160, mana ide yg nyangkut ke kamu'

Trus gw baca deh itu buku. Ada 'mengajar renang' disitu. Otak gw lsg cling-cling, secara yg gw bisa cuma renang. Kalo ngasih bimbingan tes ke anak tetangga yg ada bikin presentase buta huruf di indonesia makin gede aja.

Baru ide itu muncul, lsg tandas. Oke flashback dikit ya.

Waktu itu, lupa gw hari apa. Hari sabtu kyknya, sepulang renang sore sm mama. Di jalan pulang, terbersit ide buat ngasih les renang. Lumayan juga kl dpt duit dr ngajar seminggu sekali, gw pikir. Trus gw bilang ke mama. 'ma, aku pengen ngajar renang deh. cuma itu keahlian yg aku mendingan'
dan terus, reaksi mama cuma 'hahaha' -.-
Jadi, jangan tanya kenapa gw lebih milih diam kalo ditanya ide.

Balik. Pas gw baca buku itu, gaada yg ngangkut. Ada sih...

'Ma, terima pesenan kue aja gmn?'
'Emang kamu pikir itu keahlian mama? Mba *beep pernah nyoba kyk gitu, capek katanya'

....no comment

'Ma, nyulam aja, terima pesanan sulaman'
'Emangnya itu mau dijual kemana? Baju yg mama beli sulaman penuh aja harganya ngga seberapa'
'Yaa terima sulaman yg motif nya sesuai keinginan pelanggan gitu ma'
'Emangnya kamu pikir itu konsumsi masyarakat jaman sekarang'

...no comment lagi

Gatau knp, gw akhirnya setuju sama pepatah 'Silent is gold'. Ya abisnya ngmg apa juga salah, mending diem aja ya nggak? And anyway, it wasnt my fault for being quiet if noone either never has listened.

Lagipula emang dasarnya otak gw ngga bs diajak kompromi, ngga kreatif betul dia. Kalo gw udah stucked sama satu hal yg bahkan gapernah kepikiran sm gw, ya ga bkl ada secercah harapan buat muncul ide ttg hal itu. Lgpl gw juga udah keburu overloaded kali sama limit, trigonometri sigh.. Trs di rumah gw mesti mikir hal kyk ginian juga? Yaaa nggak salah sih sebenernya, bagus juga buat ngelatih otak bisnis dikit. Tapi emang dasarnya males, sulit bener buat diajak mikir. Emg susah sih, anak jaman skg gaada yg mau susah. Bukan anak jaman skg doang sbnrnya juga daridulu gaada yg mau susah.

Kalo dibilang manja, iya jelas. Semua fasilitas udah ada, tugas kita cm ke sekolah belajar aja. Tinggal terima uang jajan tiap bulan. Orangtua mau protes kalo kita manja? Lho yg ngasih fasilitas kok malah yg protes. Kalo ngga mau anaknya manja ya jgn dimanjain dr kecil. Hm... Bukan salah orangtua juga sbnrnya, emang namanya juga manusia kan punya sifat ngelunjak. Yg memfasilitasi juga salah, yg difasilitasi juga gatau perut.

Misalnya gini deh, gw pulang sendiri dari sekolah. Gw bilang, gw pulang sendiri aja gausah dijemput. Tapi mama ngotot jemput. Yowes akhirnya dijemput juga gw.

Di lain kesempatan yg ada kaitannya sama antar-jemput thingy, hal diatas bakal dibahas.
'Kamu pikir sekolah kamu deket apa, emgnya bensin nggak mahal buat anter jemput dll blablabla....'

Lho? Jadi ga dijemput salah, dijemput salah juga. Khawatirnya orangtua suka berlebihan emang. Takut anaknya diculik lah dirampok dll. Aduh kalo urusan kyk gituan mah jgnkan sendiri, mau pergi se rt bareng2 juga kalo emang dasar nasib sial bakal kena juga.

Kalo buat anak2 yang kebiasa diantar jemput sana sini dan emang memanfaatkan(maaf) hal itu sih ya fine2 aja. Lah gw? Mana betah sih tiap mau pulang sendiri aja ributnya naudzubilah. Lagian kan kalo pergi2 sendiri naik kendaraan umum kan buat kita gede ntar juga biar tau lingkungan.

Jadi intinya sih ya, ntar kalo gw udah gede maunya punya anak 4. Haha ga nyambung ya biarin aja deh. Ntar anak pertama gw cowok, anak keduanya cewe. Nah anak ke3 nya kembar cewe2. Nanti yg bakal anter jemput si adk2 kalo udh gede ya si anak pertama itu. Anak keduanya bakal jd cadangan yg bantuin gw dirumah kl dia udh kelar sekolah.

Haha duh kejauhan ya imajinasinya, tp gapapa lah. Jadi anak tunggal kadang suka rebek, soalnya tanggung jwb ditanggung sendirian :p:p

Aw i think this is the longest post i've ever written.. since i've only done 3 posts, uh? :D

Your fault, My bad

2009-02-25T17:29:00.007+07:00

Long time no post, eh? I've been so damn lazy writing dude. Nonono.... The most disturbing thing is i always forgot the things i had to write once i faced my keyboard :s okay lets start it all over..

It has just happended moments ago, in a nice rainy afternoon in February.

Sometimes, i just cant get what people think of. This afternoon, has happened one thing that..... Urgh it just had happened for thousand times.

I was going to prepare myself for going to the course, when my mama planned to bring me to go somewhere after my course is done.
I said, 'im gonna do my hw at maes', she said 'why didnt you just go hours ago?'
i said, 'it was raining, i did plan to go by myself by motorcycle after the rain stops'
She said, 'you know the weather this time ugh? It rains, then it burns'
I said 'yeah and so? I though it would stop, so i waited. Then was it my fault if it rained again?'
and then she started lecturing me.....
'why still you keeping on procrastinating? Why didnt you just go hours ago?'
I answered, 'please i havent stopped talking yet'
'dont you know about the weather????!!!'

Then i walked downstairs, getting the car engine ready and started writing this outside.

Moments, my mama came outside. I locked the door, and got in into the car.
As usual, at the car, she kept on lecturing me, and this part always be the funniest thing in my days.

'you know, you were born to be the best. You have those abilites that always stay more than what i have. But you havent maximized them well.. Sigh i dont even understand what do you want to be. I cant take this. You even havent change your attitude since your papa passed away. You kept on chatting, stucked on your phone, and computer. Once your father still alive, you would've been slapped all night long. When i was your age, i didnt have any facilities like you have. I had been busy with my exercises, homeworks, i didnt even have any friend. I wouldnt keep listening to their stories, giving them any counsel, or any friggin things like you did. Are you a consultant or what? You think they give you life or something? With me, you dont even listen. You dont give a damn for me. Sigh.. I still cant understand what you want, what are you gonna be or junks you want. You know you have everything it takes to live, everything you want to have. Starts now, and the next day, you have to study all the night with me.'

It was funny wasnt it? Just because i wanted to do my homework, and it was raining when my mother wanted to take mo somewhere, i got lectured all afternoon long. And the best part was, i cant even discriminate between she tried to support me and trying to bring me down. In fact, i cant even hate her. But errrrr it wasnt my fault hellooooooooooooo why cant she just stop lecturing and let me be. Is she trying to get the best of me or keep reminding me on my past fault? As long as my attitude hasnt adversed her, i think it's still okay since i keep on living my life well. But really i cant hate her and never want to.

Welcome to the blogging life, Fika!

2008-12-12T18:23:00.001+07:00

Reading the title, okay it was quite random. There are some simple stuffs about this blog.

First, i made this blog wasn't because i love to write or whatever. I made this one because i'm so fed up listening to my mom on telling me to make a blog. Well, I don't even mind too. I love writing, either those inspirations come and go like ants :----)

Second, my url is fikasbutterflies.blogspot.com aight? And once again, it wasn't because i love butterflies or insects or something. I love that butterfly word, though i hate butterflies really. Have you all ever watched Spongebob? I mean the episode when Sandy's gone holiday and she left her worm which turned into butterfly. And then that butterflly kept on chasing Spongebob and Patrick, and they ran ran ran and kept running away from it. But in time, that butterfly perched on Spongebob waterhelmet. And then the scene turned right into a real butterfly pic! Gosh it was really terrifying you know. Seeing those big eyes on its small face.

Okay, maybe it's just me who have a weird sight on that scene :p

Third, i newly made this blog sooooo...... I'm so sorry if it hasn't been a good blog to read. So just read it or leave it :'--D